This · is · what · real · men · keep · quiet.

Stuff. Like music and weather. You know, stuff.
Like Mrs. Kreig's explanation of what a harlot is.

It can be found here:  thebrightest11  

Out of desperation for a normal day and the need to practice for Friday's show.

I had Starbucks with Paige today. The things she says and the way she says them strike me as such wisdom. More often than not, I walk away from our coffee times with a feeling that I've been spoken to by God himself. Although with her, there's that human side with boys and spontenaity that makes Paige the young woman that we all have to love.

The days since Christmas have flown by. Nothing for me but long/slow work days, short nights, and consistent headaches. Since 2009 began, it has seemed that nothing can go right for me. I'm having a hard time being okay with how I use my time. When I'm not working, I'm with Taylor. The only other person I have hung out with is Aaron. My sleep patterns aren't too messed up, but I have no time for myself that I don't sleep away. I don't seem to be able to catch any breaks.

Today, for instance, after Starbucks, I went to the mall to meet Taylor and her mom, per her request. On a day where I called in sick for myself, it was mostly wasted away waiting on her to pick out clothes and for the AmEx to be run through and her mom to come all the way back to the mall. I said forget it to picking out the Hollister clearance jeans I wanted.

I'll be lucky if I dont get boo'd off the stage Friday night. I haven't once pulled out a guitar and worked on my songs. My acoustic is in Seattle still, but I have Holly's old Yamaha in my closet and new strings for it. I'm wondering if I should drop off the show altogether. Taylor wouldnt like that too much and neither would the kids still thinking CIX is playing.

I get tomorrow off again. I don't really want to do anything but play music. Maybe work out. I have to start jogging soon.

and you can't remember anything special from the past 5 or 6 of those years [that you actually want to remember]...that's sad.

So what was 2008? It began in the deepest pain I've ever known. That pain was met by another's pain so much deeper and so inexplicably desperate and love was somehow born. I was lonely and miserable at the University of Houston; lacking direction and motivation. I struggled with letting go of the old. I was introduced to the greatest anime series ever, which made letting go harder. I met Anberlin at Warped Tour. I opened for As Cities Burn at Fuel. I've worked all year. I've made straight A's for the first time since 5th grade this last semester. I flew to Seattle and half-enjoyed/half-hated the experience. Not much else happened after that. There are a few fond memories, but overall, a wasted year, with no ground broken.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be leaving for Seattle, Washington in about 12 hours.
It's been a long time a-coming, and I'm so ready.

It just donned on me how long seven days is really going to be, with no real itinerary except do whatever the heck I want. Stroll down the block for some coffee, eat the world's best burger at Hurricanes, maybe even grill our own.
But we'll definitely be making a lot of music.

I'll have lots of videos. Hopefully one a day.
I'll post them all here. Give me some feedback!

I love all of you.
Really.

Here's Huffman's forecast for next week:
Mon Sunny, high 77˚F
Tue Showers, high 66˚F
Wed Isolated storms, high 77˚F
Thu Isolated storms, high 76˚F
Fri Showers, high 75˚F
Sat Cloudy, high 73˚F
Sun Showers, high 70˚F

Here's Seattle's forecast for next week:
Mon Sunny, high 26˚F (low 11˚F)
Tue Sunny, high 30˚F
Wed Sunny, high 37˚F
Thu Rain/Snow, high 36˚F
Fri Snow Showers, high 36˚F
Sat Snow Showers, high 42˚F
Sun Snow Showers, high 37˚F

Suck on your warm Texas winter weather whilst I am northward-bound. Yes, I realize there will be much more snow on the Cape, Holly. That's not why I'm going.

I'm flying to Seattle for a week to try and escape the so very grippy nature of this town. The ruthless demands of my job. The dry well of emotion.
But really, what makes me think that a change in scenery will actually help me, artistically? Emotionally? Shall I spend a week in one of the most culturally diverse and tolerant towns in America and find tiny roots embedded in the soil there?

My intentions are to go and stay at Aaron's apartment, and just relax. Crank out some tunes. Make the music make itself. I do it for a reason. I love it.

There's too much.
Too much that can go wrong.
Too many places to see.
Too much money to spend.
Too many hearts to touch.

For the first time since, like, 4th or 5th grade, I got all A's this semester. That's a 4.0 that I have no other option but to uphold in order to be on the short-list for Nursing school.

I have to start laying off the sugared beverages.

Ha, my thoughts exactly.

In the spirit of good days and bad days and final exam days and holidays.

Somedays aren't yours at all
They come and go as if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than yours
And colder than yours

They come in all quiet sweep up and then they leave
And you don't hear a single floor board creak
They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side

Downtown, downtown
I'm not here, not anymore
I've gone away
Don't call me don't write

Somedays aren't yours at all
They come and go as if they're someone elses days
They come and leave you behind someone elses face
And it's harsher than yours.

Movement III of Dvořák's Symphony No. 9 is in Scherzo form, a triplet meter based on the classical minuet symphonic form. It was Beethoven that founded the scherzo form.

Symphony No. 9 Op. 95 From the New World Movement II "Largo"
Antonin Dvořák
The video says "Adagio" but that's the first movement.
I realize it is of daunting length, so listen on your own time off. I just want to know if anyone else can listen to this (other than Rob, or any musically trained soul) and come away with a clearer understanding of something in your life.

Tell me where in the song (time) or which voice (instrument) touches you the most.

I wanna make you happy, but I've fallen. I'm sorry. I thought my wings could hold me up with angels, not demons. You don't know how cool you are, to find the ways to love me without shame. I want my life to be red with trees like autumn, I'd float away from evil and down towards the healing,
So sad now we have become: the children trapped in the mazes,
I'd give my soul to the one who has the courage to find me and free me now.
If I run, I'll just become like all the faking lights,
So let the thunders take me under and break my legs tonight.


So what's your plan to free me? To continue letting me deceive myself?
It seems cruel to my humanity, but after all, you made me.
I can't take back what I did. I'm sorry.




I know I make myself sound more pathetic than I should most of the time, but honestly, my loneliness transcends your average self-pity. It's not episodic; it's chronic, and it's emphasized by the oddest of dreams...inhabited by the oddest cast and combination of people.

What is my mind resorting itself for?

I won't let myself rest because there is no time. There's nothing to do but work and try to make myself study and think about all the amazing music I'll never be able to make and wonder what all my friends are doing.

Anyway...Taylor and I make 6 months today.
An astonishing feat considering both of our past forays of love.
There's not a person alive who could wrench our hearts apart.
I feel made for each other.
I'm not copping out.
You're raising the dead in me.

Well I don't get a break, per se, as everyone is so excited for and so eager to enjoy.

My "break" is getting to sleep in tomorrow, going to take my nervous system test in anatomy, getting my car serviced, and going out with Josh Newton and Co. for some spontaneous filming after I get off of work around 11pm. Getting to sleep in Thursday, enjoy food and family. Going to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I'm discouraged, Taylor is discouraged.

I miss my friends.

I'm the desperate
And you're the savior
I'm the desperate
And you're the savior

Oh, God! It's racing through my veins
I'm afraid there must be some kinda mistake
Oh, I'm in over my head again

reach in and grab a hold of me
I'm so scared that I've started to slip
They say that I'll never change
I'll prove them wrong, prove them wrong

It's over, it's over
I hear the calling but its passing through
Clean me up show me how to live
I hear the calling but its passing through
Clean me up show me how to live
Tear me down
Let me start again

Dreams so bad, you don't have to be asleep for your subconscious to start eroding your heart away.

What's the worst dream you've ever had?

I had a horrible day. And I took it out on my only friend. I have made a fool out of myself in front of others.

I need more friends.
One cannot be enough for a mentally healthy person.
No one seeks me out, but her.

I have the overwhelming desire to flee this dusty room and find a home where I am alone, for real.

Sometimes, I wonder if my life would improve...or if I'd be a happier person if I drank occasionally. Since it's really not all that bad if you're not driving and since it's about the only thing I haven't tried.
Tell me, friends. Is it worth it?

Is perfuming the air with profanities worth the stress and anguish of breaking a rule I've strived by for years?

I know what you would say.

God, there's no stability. I cannot find You.
I have the sludge in my eyes.
I sleep but do not dream of righteousness.
I walk but not in Truth.

It started quite young
Yeah, I learned how
To stay quiet, just stay quiet, always stay...
Cursed with disease;
I have to be perfect
And you're no better than me, no.

Don't you ever get lonely
Yeah, don't you ever get lonely?
'Cause it's no better for me
I still cannot believe
Don't you ever get lonely?
Yeah, well, don't you ever get lonely?
'Cause I never saw you leave this lately.

I'm tired. My abdomen is in pain I haven't felt before and I'm not sure what it is. I cannot focus on these muscles that I have to memorize and should have by now. I'm stressed by pretty much everything.

I've screwed around far too much and my nursing career is careening down the commode. Probably not completely, but I can't keep up this slide if I want to stay at Kingwood for nursing school. Worst-case, I go to San Jacinto Central like my mommy. Not too bad of a scenario, really.

I'm so tired and bloated. I need to exercise and often.
Bowie's in space.

Just another feeling?
I know it's not just old news.
But we won't remember
Where we said what we did
The way we remember
Where we fell in love.

You're praying for something
In this world, that's fine.
Keep it to yourself, alright.
But darling, you're real.
My God, you're real.

You are my river, I love you to death.
You are my full-count, my first and ten.
You are my last dance, I love you to death.
You are the string keeping me on the wind.

And you'd think I'd remember something like that.
But you haven't convince me
That you haven't stopped breathing.
And you'd think I'd recollect all my thoughts.
But you haven't convinced me
That what I lost means anything.




10-30 Oct 2008

Hey y'all. I'm drawing a little abstract elephant that will serve as the mascot for The Brightest. He's a cutie, and if you want a t-shirt, send me $7 and I promise you'll love it.

No, really.

My world is a revolving mass of stress, pressure, and chaos. I started, then stopped believing in myself. There's no apparent remedy to alleviate my pains and stress. I'm not depressed, but I could be.
I'm reverting back to my childhood, accenting pages of my journal with crayons. It's better than having the watercolors bleed through the soft Moleskine pages.

I hope Paige is enjoying her letters. More to come.

Play that chord one more time
you know I'm waiting
it's the quiet that makes the song
no, its the absence of light that makes it
play that chord and I'll fall asleep
I will, I will but my heart is racing
and my mind wont shut down

play that chord one more time
cause I'm singing, we're singing
laughter fills the room
and pulls towards another nights' close
and I'll fall asleep
I will, I will but my heart is racing
and my mind wont shut down

everyone is idle and waiting
I'm waiting, I'm waiting

I have a 90 in anatomy and physiology. I need to be making anywhere from a 96-98 in ALL my classes to be competitive for the LCS-Kingwood nursing program. To top it all off, I haven't really been paying a lot of attention to the joints and articulation lectures this week.

I'm really feeling the burn, now.

Nothing's really different this week over last week. Except the temperature. It's divine.

He said on midnight of the 20th birthday, BAM, the chest hair pops out and life gets all mellowed-out.

Dear Jesus, I hope he's right.
Honestly, my life feels like my room looks...a complete shambles.
That's not to say it's necessarily bad, but it's just a sad way to be feeling. I've wanted so much to turn things around and I know the things I need to do to make things work.

Maybe when I turn 20, that male-hormonal-balance thing kicks in and I can become more of a rational human being.

He said he's gonna cut my taxes since I won't be making $250,000/yr.
Woot. Too bad I'll be paying those taxes back on the purchases I make as I start my life out of college.

I can.
All things work together for the good of those who love God--those whom He has called according to His plan.

I know you hear it everywhere, but it's nice to live it for once.

I'm Bradley Smith and as of now, I'm majoring in Nursing, with an eventual emphasis on Neonatal Intensive Care. I attend the Kingwood branch of the Lonestar College System, which I'm not crazy about, but definitely prefer to the loneliness and daily commute that was the University of Houston.

I live at home and rarely do any work in it--domestic or school-related. I stay up late on my Macbook Pro and grow fatter by the hour. I don't take care of my beautiful car like I should. I don't spend my money wisely. I have a decent-paying job at the Cafe on the Run in the Atascocita H-E-B and I work 1-2 days a week. I'm applying for a 3rd-key position at the Game Stop next door. I doubt I'll come close to getting it.

My habits are generally not good ones. Like not eating breakfast (except on Wednesdays, when I take Taylor to school). I don't have a daily "ritual" of any kind that I'd willingly admit to the interweb, in fear of exposing my monstrous depravity, and by making such a fuss about it here, you can probably guess anyway. Any attempt to begin a daily ritual is promptly abandoned or forgotten.

My best friend is a lady, a senior in high school, and for all-intensive purposes, my future wife. She knows me better than anyone, but has some theories on me that don't really check out. Like the reason I still haven't matured is because of friends like Aaron and Travis (and I'll throw Lloyd in there, cos he's just like us). But all those guys are more mature than me. When we're all together, yes, chaos tends to ensue. But they have some form of direction in their life.

I've come off of the emotional high of a new school and a new direction and new classes. I'm falling short of my goals already, slipping in my studies, even right this moment.

While I browse sociological websites for a topic interesting enough to write 2 pages, double-spaced (really, it's not that intriguing of a subject in the first place), I lose all concentration. Thoughts return to Taylor or Paige or guitar gear.

I don't see my friends as often as I'd like. I spend a lot of time with Taylor. She lifts me up with her joy and excitement for life. But my life is directionless. I'm still spinning my wheels here.

One year ago tonight, my stable and happy life was uprooted, like a great tree in a massive storm. Most of the wounds have healed, except the rift between myself and the Father. It's self-inflicted.

I'll write you letters, Paige, if you'll write back. We have a Starbucks appointment when you return.